lo, I am with you

i don't know how many of you have truly felt lonely before. i think i might have before, but if not, then i have now.

as you know, i was planning to catch a train today to my final destination. but alas, no train actually existed. so, i am now in guangzhou, now officially in china. it's like a calm version of hong kong, complete with colonial architecture.

this morning i left from hong kong on a speed train--not so speedy in reality. i arrived at guangzhou east train station about 2 hours before i wanted to catch my connecting train. loaded down with one pack on my back, one on my chest, and a bag of dirty clothes in my hand i wandered that train station for the better part of an hour. i looked for where to buy the ticket, where to exchange money, and where to ask for help. every time i thought i had things figured out another snag would arise--find the right ticket office, can't find a place to exchange travelers checks. so, i gave up. my shirt was soaked through, my hair was dripping, really it was, and i was completely flustered. this was not supposed to be this difficult, hard, but not like this.

thankfully this morning before leaving hong kong i grabbed a friends lonely planet and looked up a place to stay, just in case. so i flung my hand out and hailed a cab in the pouring rain. not really, i was puring, but i was under a covered area, where cabs line up to take you places. i gave the guys the address and we took off. 20 minutes, all the while my mind is racing, trying to figure out what to do, and how to get on to xining.

after a phone call we found the hostel and i checked in, 50 yuan per night--about 6 us dollars. cheap. and nicer than my place in hong kong at about 1/3 the price. i got a bottom bunk too.

every good hostel has a ticket desk, and so i found it and set to work. trains to xining? sold out for three days if you want a bed. and i do, remember this is a 30 hour train. flights to xining? sold out except for first class. how much? 2590 yuan, or about $360. too expensive! how 'bout a train to shanghai and then a flight to xining? it's cheaper to fly to shanghai. 550 yuan, and there are no flights to xining from there. okay, how about a flight from hong kong? i can just go back tomorrow morning? no flights available. okay, hmm, i don't know. any other way? no. let me think about it for a bit. thanks.

that was my conversation, in an abridged form, with the ticket desk. three people, no answers to my problems. but not their fault right. so, don't get mad. back i went, trying to find a way. twice. to no avail.

all the while i throw up these 'show me what to do prayers.' but nothing seems to be working out. so i set out to walk a bit. i am really unsure what to do at this point, and i really don't want to be in guangzhou for one night, let alone several. i start walking and find no peace, only shops and a 7-11 to eat lunch at. coke, pringles and a snickers. that's on top of my snickers and oj for breakfast. the china diet for westerners on the move before restaurants open up. in my head i think, 'if i eat like this for too long i'm not going to feel too good. oh well, i don't want chinese right now'

a lap around the block later, and feelings of total ambiguity and insecurity later i go back in side and grab my lap top. it needs to be charged, and while walking i stopped in a starbucks to see if they had wifi. they did, and it's free. what! free wifi at a starbucks. nice, things are getting a little better. at least i can send some emails and change my dead for three days computer.

for you novelist, this is the climax of the story. things change and our hero, me of course, sees what is going on. his view of events is changed and things come into focus. so, read on my friends.

walking up to starbucks i notice an inordinate number of westerners. young, acting like they live here, and moving in packs, even hordes. they seem to own the starbucks. i step to the counter and order a coffee, the least i can do for free wireless, and only a little over a dollar. 'medium coffee please.' for you starbuckers, they don't have venti sizes in asia, that is only for us americans. the guys hands it to me, and like i were back on knox street i turn for the cream and sugar. then i sit down, pull out the laptop, plug it in and alight myself on the comfy bench seat. then in walk to more westerners, but they look like all the rest. a guy and a girl, probobly college age. around the chairs and the low wall they come, setting down their bags right next to me. it was like when someone is out 'sharing,' they get that locked in look in their eyes. i look up at the guy and we give the courtesy hello. but then he says, your from the states. huh? where? texas. you? lousiana. ah, what are you doing here? i proceeded to tell the story of my trip to guangzhou. you two? it turns out they are here with a bunch of friends the 'gather' with. two months here in guangzhou. for the next few minutes we talk about our trips and what we are doing.

i don't know if it has become aparent to you yet, but the tone of my day swung dramatically with that encounter. i had been walking the streets feeling terribly lonely, unknown, and just unsure what to do. i had no idea what was going on. but my Father did. he was teaching me. this entire trip is new for me. you may think that i have traveled a lot, and that i am this wildly independent person that just goes and doesn't worry. but its hard traveling alone, even when you meet new people all the time. doubts and fears were besieging my heart. i knew what was going on, and was trying to respond in faith. so my needy cries of 'i need you now' were answered. i felt alone. but i was not. our Father showed me where i was. in His hands. and quite literally surrounded by brothers and sisters. you know we all have those moments where things in our heads spin on a dime and you supernaturally feel different. that's what i had. instead of this being a moping story of loneliness, it's one of hope, of provision, and one to remember so that the next time i am not so prone to the wandering and unbelief of my mind.

and off my new friends go. but i am still within His grasp, well within His provision. i share this for your sake too. it means something different for each of you, but take it to heart, He is good, even we are unaware of His presence.